I do a lot of cleaning, I like cleaning, it’s meditative. I may have a bunch of lazy humans in my house, although I think I might not be doing them any favours to Improve. Nonetheless, cleaning all the time you pick patterns in behaviour and one in particular has fascinated me for a couple of weeks. I only need one cup, so why am I washing seven?
Some context. We drink a lot of coffee in my house and only two people are allowed to drink coffee. This would mean that every day I would expect to only wash two cups, my daily cup and my partner’s cup when she gets home, and then catch up to me. I wash two cups most weekdays, but as soon as the weekend rolls around, I am sure people are visiting that I never see, because I’m suddenly washing seven cups, who are the other five people and why do they never talk to me?
How does my cup washing lead to anything useful for you? It’s pretty simple really, I wash all the time, I clean all the time, and it’s a wonderful side effect of my particular manifestation of depression. Sitting still is a one-way ticket to Downs Ville and I am no fan of taking up residency there. So I clean. What happens now is because I clean, and I must say very efficiently seeing as I have years of experience, the people I share a house with have come to a couple of conclusions. They don’t need to clean because I will clean, they can’t clean as well as me so why bother, when they do try and clean and mess with my rhythm or routine, well I get grumpy so again why bother.
No one learns to take accountability for themselves if they don’t get the opportunity. And this is where I have failed and created a monster. I have never created a fun opportunity to learn accountability for making messes. Making messes is important, you should see my workshop, it’s how we get to play and experiment. We still need to clean afterwards, but the accountability to do so needs to be instilled with kindness and support. I have been cleaning for years because people either don’t do it quickly enough after the mess is made or well enough and instead of teaching them how to try a different way that makes it easier or better, I have robbed them of the opportunity.
This issue translates to life in general. The idea of “if you want something done do it yourself” is a one-way ticket to Burnout Boulevard and for those of you who have not had the chance to visit, I highly recommend giving it a skip, not even the gift shop is worth it. No, the do-it-yourself mentality does three things. It robs people of an opportunity to learn and be accountable for themselves, loads so much stress into your system that you will eventually break, and robs you of a chance to be vulnerable and teach through vulnerability. It’s not hard to listen to this, “I need this thing from you, it makes life easier for everyone and especially for me, will you help me by doing this please”.
If you are a “cleaner” you need to learn to deal with nesting humans as well. I live with nest people, I grew up in a family of nesters (sounds better than hoarders). Nesting is the process of creating small piles of seemingly unrelated items in areas of your home, like a magpie. I’m not a pile person myself, but if there is a flat surface in my home you can bet yourself that there will be a pile and it remains untouched for days. It drives me insane, it would be so easy to just put stuff away, but why does it not happen? I eventually, in a fit of “cleaning rage”, will just rip through the nest, identify waste, chuck it, and file the useful stuff away into cupboards, filing cabinets, and boxes, done calm is restored. Now I own the location pins for everything I put away and 90% of it I don’t even care about. I now become the person that everyone asks the most annoying of questions “Did you see this thing?” I now manage the expectation of locating objects and information at the drop of a hat for a group of people.
If you want to control the flow and location of information you will become the index gigas. This is something that I think many readers can relate to, you either are or you know the last person who knows everything. It’s hard work to be that person, I certainly don’t enjoy it and it stresses you out when someone needs something really important and in that moment you really can’t remember where you put it, a one-way ticket to Anxiety Alcove. This is a lot of pressure and it would have been far less if you had just left the pile to be sorted out by the magpie that owns it.
They will eventually clean it! And seeing as how 90% of the time it’s not important or useful to you the pile owners can sort it out and own what they did with it. I don’t mind helping people look for stuff, I really dislike being the person who moved it and now has to produce it. By cleaning up and filing away piles of information we rob people of the opportunity to learn how to organise and take accountability for their organisation skills. And when they eventually can’t find it, there is an opportunity to learn how to file stuff away better in future
The problem with running out of teaspoons. – This will be my last little expose on my home life. There are two ways to solve the problem of not having a clean teaspoon, wash more often or buy more spoons. Yes, that’s right, one of the ways to solve not having a clean spoon is to buy more spoons. My home started with six teaspoons, that came in a set with the six other utensils that look the same. But alas six was not enough. To resolve this issue of six not being enough my partner simply went to a big box store and bought really cheap catering spoons, seemingly about sixty of them but I think it was probably about fifteen. Don’t get me wrong both approaches solve the main issue, I need a clean spoon, but one remains lean while the other bloats the utensils drawer and someone ends up washing even more spoons than the five people who secretly visit for coffee at night.
Washing is not the only way. I end up washing all the spoons eventually, but when I challenged the reasoning to veer away from running a LEAN household with six spoons my wife’s response was, “we have a dishwasher”. This is the equivalent of saying the process you are bitching about has been automated a long time ago, so either use the automated system or shut up and wash the spoons. My partner doesn’t speak to me this way this is how I speak to myself, clarity is key here. But fundamentally as with any project looking at the big picture and understanding what should, could and must be lean versus what really doesn’t matter any more makes a huge difference.
My way is not the only way. Asking why someone does something differently affords me a learning opportunity instead of a one-way ticket to Rage Range. I am constantly banging my “slow down”, “ask questions”, “be empathetic” drum at work for people to exploit learning and teaching opportunities to establish deeper relationships and grow in their responsibilities and understand their accountabilities. So why if I am “apparently” so good at this that people pay me to do it, am I not doing it at home? Regardless of how the spoons are cleaned, the project is still running and achieving the user requirements, and this is how I figured out how my cleaning starts to align with life in general and where I need to work on my own approaches to creating opportunities to learn.
You can spend time thinking about teaspoons and learning or you can have one of my four oneway tickets to any of the crappy destinations I mentioned. Learning is life, when we stop learning we effectively stop life, please don’t be the rock blocking someone’s knowledge stream. Be kind, be patient and washing an extra cup is not nearly as bad as you may think.
CHAT GPT for the less verbose versions 😉
Musings of a Wandering Mind: One Clean Cup Is All You Need
I clean a lot—it’s meditative for me, even if it means enabling the laziness of those I live with. Over time, I’ve noticed an odd pattern: I only need one cup, so why am I washing so many?
In my household, only two of us drink coffee, so I expect to wash two cups daily—mine and my partner’s. Yet, on weekends, I find myself washing seven cups. Who are these extra people, and why do they never talk to me?
The constant cleaning isn’t just about cups; it’s about managing my depression. Cleaning keeps me from spiralling, but it’s also created a problem: others in my house rely on me to do all the cleaning. They don’t see the need to clean or think they can’t do it as well as I do, so they don’t bother. I’ve unintentionally robbed them of the chance to learn accountability.
This issue extends beyond cleaning. The “do it yourself” mentality can lead to burnout, stress, and missed opportunities to teach and be vulnerable. It’s important to ask for help: “I need this thing from you. It makes life easier for everyone, especially me. Will you help?”
Living with “nesters” (people who create piles of stuff) adds another layer. I eventually clean up these nests, and then I’m the one who knows where everything is. This makes me the go-to person for locating things, which is stressful and unnecessary. It’s better to let people manage their own messes, even if it means living with some clutter.
Finally, there’s the issue of teaspoons. We started with six, but now we have many more, thanks to my partner’s solution to buy cheap catering spoons. While this solves the immediate problem, it bloats our utensil drawer and increases the amount of washing. The key lesson? My way isn’t the only way. Asking why someone does things differently can lead to learning opportunities rather than frustration.
In the end, life is about learning. Not washing that extra cup or letting a pile sit isn’t as bad as you might think. Be kind, be patient, and don’t block someone’s chance to grow.
Mind, on the rocks?! 