I recently had an interesting conversation with someone about doing too much and burning out. This is a very real situation that people face not only in their work lives but also in their personal lives. I used the metaphor of setting a table and it seemed to have resonated with them and perhaps it will resonate with you.
Let’s set up for a party! Just a few people, some platters and a couple of tables. You get asked to help with the tables. Help with the tables. This by definition does not mean you have to make the tables but as of yet this isn’t clear so you ask, “where will the tables come from?” They will be delivered to the venue and you need to help move them into place. Ahhhh what just happened here? An expectation is what happened and a pretty clear one as well. But what about… Are you physically able to move tables? How will the tables be decorated? Who will decorate them? What exactly is expected of me?!
Welcome to personal expectation management. Most people when doing someone a favour or helping out to prepare for, for example, an event will naturally go the extra mile, humans like to help, well most of us. But there is a nasty downside to this, a lot of people don’t know when to stop when to say I think I’ve done enough. In short, people don’t know when to agree with themselves that they have met the expectation.
Here we go with the crazy part of basically being an overachiever. Going all out could now also start offending and alienating others involved in the “party planning”. I’m not talking about just doing your job and lazy bums getting upset because you make them look like what they are, lazy bums, that’s their bag. I’m talking about doing so much that you start taking over or taking things from people that they felt passionate about but are not confident enough to speak up for. It’s a sad situation, you are doing your best and now your best is both good enough and hurting people, what kind of sick circle is this?!
This is the crux of the matter. What is expected of me? what is enough? who else needs a chance? It’s basically taking responsibility for expectation management from a personal perspective. In many cases, no one is willing to tell you that you have met the expectations because if they don’t, they get more, it’s a nasty trait but it’s a real one. This means you need to set, agree and manage the expectations yourself and that dear reader is no easy feat. Taking responsibility for personal expectation management is managing others’ expectations of you as much as it is managing the expectations you have of yourself.
It all starts with asking. Asking before starting, asking while you are busy and stopping when you are done and then asking if anything else is needed. In our example, you were asked to help move tables into position, and decorate them, that was a clear set of expectations, or was it? You had the responsibility to assess your own physical ability and decide whether you could move the tables, but you also had to ask where to move them to and what to decorate them with. So you ask and hopefully, you get a straight answer. So you move the tables, you could ask if someone wants to help but few people like physical labour. You ask if someone wants to help decorate, some people love decorating, you throw over the table cloths add whatever else is needed and then you stop. You ask if this is what the person wanted and that is it, You stop! The expectation has been met.
Scope creep happens in real life too. Be careful of scope creep, for the uninitiated scope creep is when something is agreed upon, and expectation is set and as the process of meeting this expectation is underway the original expectation changes. it could become more or larger than before, it could have new things added to it, there are many examples of scope creep, but it is real and it is dangerous. This is how we find ourselves in a situation where what we agreed we would do is suddenly something else and we feel hurt and frustrated that this happened because we didn’t ask why, or we allowed it to happen or we ourselves caused the scope creep. Yes, that’s right sometimes the people asking aren’t the ones that change the expectation mid-way its the people that are doing that does it, for example, finding wildflowers to put on the tables, no one asked for it but now you want it there and just like that the scope crept.
What it comes down to is knowing what is expected of you. In other words, what is the scope of work? Even in personal matters understanding the expectations and scope is super important and to be honest super easy, just ask. Whether it’s just a conversation, “do you want me to listen or do you want me to help solve a problem?” or if it is something more physical like setting up a party, asking questions is super important and we shouldn’t feel so ashamed of asking in the first place, and many of us do. If you ask nice direct questions about what is expected of you and the other person can’t tell you, you can’t help them, the expectation cannot be met.
Some personal expectation management can go a long way in saving you a lot of fatigue, guilt, burnout and much more. Remember to be kind to confused people it’s hard to set expectations if we don’t understand ourselves.
Mind, on the rocks?! 