Mind, on the rocks?!

I find it quite amusing that the only thing I can write about fluidly is the thing I cant seem to do at the moment. I can’t finish the articles. I have twelve drafts and I just can’t be bothered to finish any of them. It’s like this with a lot of personal projects, but why is that, why can’t I finish personal projects? Shall we dwell in my mind for a couple of minutes? Come on it will be fun, I promise…

Writing like most forms of expression is something that I have found requires both inspiration, art and persistence, in the process. It’s not one or the other, for me it’s two sides of the same coin. I find that creative writing, as much as I enjoy it takes a hell of a lot of work. Many things that we do for our own en enjoyment or for our own improvement is like this it takes a lot of work, and I live by a rule, “Is the juice worth the squeeze” and if it ain’t then why bother?

I for one find it terribly frustrating when I have a multitude of ideas and as soon as I start one I just can’t seem to finish it or they become so intertwined that three articles bleed into one and none of it makes sense. Ah but I have a lot of business skills that I have cultivated over years to help other people focus on their work, see the big picture, get things done! Yes! And when I apply them to myself it’s like a horse whipping its own ass, it ain’t fun and seeing as how I’m holding the whip I can just as well stop, and that’s exactly what is happening now.

What I find truly infuriating, personally speaking, is that I have no problem whatsoever pouring hours of my life into work. It’s as natural as drinking water or breathing. I can spend 10 hours a day for 6 days straight just staring at numbers and making analytical statistics from them. Then take that and make reports and write documents full of wonderfully constructed statements designed to penetrate the reader’s curiosity. No struggle whatsoever, I fly through it. But I sit down and use my spare time to write an article to practice my creative writing and to share something of myself with the world and…nothing, just nothing. Ugh very frustrating. “Hmm perhaps it’s interesting, maybe you are just interested in the work stuff more than the article stuff?!” Well no not really I would actually love to be a full-time writer and write about anything and everything.

So what is up with this? Writer’s block perhaps, I doubt it, as I said before I can churn out documents and plans, reports and processes and all sorts of things, but not a damn article. I think it has more to do with the fact that I’m having a really rough time mentally and I’m super conscious of my actions, like superconscious. Perhaps because everything I do at work is simply not new to me, yeah sure it’s different but it’s not new. I really haven’t done anything groundbreaking in my professional career for quite some time now. It’s all just the same, so we do groundbreaking stuff in others spaces. But my plough seems to be dull, and it has been for a long time.

Ugh and then there is this tap of knowledge that seems to be accessible to everyone else but me, and it’s my damn tap! I actually find it very amusing I can solve someone’s problems, give them advice, quote practices and concepts to help them with what they are doing but I can’t do it for myself. “Hey I’m trying to start a new business, cool have a look at this”. “Hey, I need to find a better way to communicate, ah cool read this call me when you are done and we can chat”. “I can’t seem to figure out how to put what’s in my head down on paper, no worries talk to me, no don’t explain it just babel on, I’ll make sense of it no worries”. Sort of like being a bee I suppose everyone enjoys the honey but me, I’m actually smiling about this as I’m writing it, I really do find it amusing.

I look back at the articles I have published and to many people they are insignificant and that’s OK. I don’t mind, but I look at them and I see continuous improvement, to me, my Naked Man article has, to date, been my proudest writing achievement. Not because it got loads of views but because I was proud of that article I really enjoyed writing it. I really flexed my linguistic muscles, and if I am, to be honest, I think I created my own unicorn, everything I write now I measure against that article and nothing seems to be measuring up, not even close. Chasing unicorns, so close I can smell them and so far away I can only hear them whisper.

Perhaps this is the key, you have to get over your own unicorns. A lot of people talk about slaying your legends or slaying your unicorns. I am not a fan of slaying anything, I don’t have it in me to actively choose to destroy something, I am a fan of Slayer though, good music, not everyone’s cup of tea but it might be your shot of whisky, give them a go. Now that I think about it this is the most natural writing has felt to me in a very long time, it’s not overthought or over-engineered, it’s not painstakingly researched or purposefully constructed. It’s just me writing whatever comes into my head and it feels good, cucumber, just popped in there now it’s on here deal with it. Cucumber what a nice word, cucumber is lovely to say, say it, cucumber it even feels fresh to say, just like a real cucumber.