It’s always surprising how I find myself in spaces where I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t understand the reason for doing things and I certainly don’t understand what the effort is being invested in.
I love my family very much, and even this isn’t enough to pull me up from the places my mind dwells. It’s a strange feeling being fully aware and disproportionately disconnected from everything around me at the same time. Inside a bubble looking out, or outside of the bubble looking in is more accurate I suppose. Ever seen that fast sequence seen in a film? Where the main character stands still and everything around them moves at high speed and they just sip a coffee. That’s me more often than I would like to admit, I’ve grown so use to it that anything that makes a connection feels alien and makes me nervous.
Isn’t it funny how we create so much around us and yet it never feels enough, the amount of times people have spontaneously told me, how much I add to their lives and how thankful they are for the things I do. Even this falls on me like water and I am covered in the oil of my own guilt and fear, the water can’t wash me clean and simply rolls down into a puddle at my feet, I really dislike having wet feet. The chemical keep me barely functioning and sleep eludes me like a unicorn in the black forest, so close I can smell its rainbow maim and so far I only ever catch a glimpse of its brilliance.
And yet we forge forward, we scrape up enough courage to function we save enough energy to try and protect those we love by being there for them when we can barely be there for ourselves. ultimately it feels futile. a Mechanical action by a mechanical man, fuelled by caffeine and antidepressants, going about his day mimicking the expected characteristics that so many have come to call the right way of being. It creeps up on you like a cougar in the darkness crackles in a bush that you grow so use to, “its just the sounds of the forest nothing to worry about”, and then, it pounces and you are fighting for your very life.
Bah living with depression is a real downer, take it from me, “Ba Dum Tish”, I’ll be here all week, I promise. Depression is like having diabetes but you want to punch people in the face or curl up in a small ball and hide, sometimes cry. It’s different for different people. But it is like diabetes, its a condition and you have to manage that condition, and just like a diabetic has to take responsibility for themselves so do depression sufferers. Fair enough I don’t have impending death motivating me to ensure I eat right and take my insulin shots. I wonder what a depressed diabetics life is like it must be hell?! But still its not a sickness its a condition, for many, like myself, its a chemical imbalance in the brain brought on by a multitude of factors, for some it’s more severe a psychosomatic condition much harder to treat and manage. Yes just like diabetes its comes in different flavours from mild to blow you head off hot.
Where do I find the courage or strength to carry on, well I’m an asshole when it comes to promises. You break one I never trust you again, I break one I break down. So I just promised my wife I’d keep going. It sounds too good to be true and it is, there have been many times where I argued with myself at the witching hour that I wouldn’t have to deal with a broken promise if I’m not there, and that is normally enough to keep me going. I don’t break promises, I also don’t make them lightly. Yes it does sound like I’m using a Damoclean sword, I’ll wait while you google that, over my head as a motivator and to be honest it is working. Do what works for you, obviously the normal disclaimers of animal and human safety applies including but not limited to substance abuse etc. The idea is not to find a replacement or a distraction, well not permanently. The idea is to find a motivator, fine mine is not the most positive one out there but you can’t argue with results.
Depression is like living with a shitty roommate that likes to spoil your day for fun, or a cougar and not the fun kind. Self harm, substance abuse, self abuse, addiction to more than just drugs these are all the unfortunate side effects of choosing distraction over motivation, no its not easy again, I know. But it can be done, small iterative steps, get to the next sunrise, get to the end of the week, get to the end of the month , make it past your thirty fifth birthday. It’s no way to live your life and to be honest we all deserve to be happy when we put in the effort and its not something you can measure obviously but it is something that is obtainable.
I’m no doctor I can only tell you my story, I can only tell you what worked for me. As it goes with dogs so too with people, the way I taught my mind to sit and stay is not the only or even the best way, it’s just a way of doing it. I’m extremely lucky I have people around me that accept me for who and what I am and that makes a huge difference, it’s not easy feeling alone and being alone, that’s a real killer, no jokes loneliness is a killer. Makes me sad to think there are people right now in lock-down situations across the world that have only one lifeline and that is a phone. So for goodness sake if that “annoying Eyore” friend of you is texting you weird stuff just answer them back please. It’s not your responsibility or your fault if they do something, and you have no accountability for their actions but you can make a difference and it really doesn’t cost much.
This isn’t something you learn to manage on your own, please if you are suffering, know someone who is or suspect you may be suffering go to a doctor, googling will either tell you, yes, or no, or you have pancreatic cancer, just go for professional help! Please.
Mind, on the rocks?! 